I Stop When I Hear A Drumbeat Call
I am an impulsive human being.Everything excites me.
xx
When did I become the stereotype of everything I told myself I’d never be?
I’m lucky enough to consider playing with ProTools as homework. Sometimes I kind of really love going to school for music.
Please hold while I become extremely metaphorical for a second.
This picture describes my life at this very moment. Everything in my life has bloomed and reached it’s beautiful limit. I’m at this strange standstill. I’m sitting overlooking everything I’ve done and admiring all the decisions I’ve made on my own, but I know that it’s all over. Just like these carnations. They’re so beautiful to look at, fully bloomed and with a story of how they got there. However these carnations sadly have no future or age to look forward to. They’ve been cut from their stem, their root of life. They lay in their beautiful misery with nothing else. Knowing that their end has come, holding on to the last of their beauty before they completely droop and die. I’m drooping, slowly fading away. I can only go down now.
My favorite part of my final is when someone who I’ve never seen in class is sitting in my seat, messing up my Logic preferences, and banging on my MIDI board -____-“
I’ve been craving Kraft Mac N Cheese for months now. Two days I ago I dragged my younger sister to the grocery store and bought six boxes of Kraft Mac N Cheese. Excessive I know, BUT I love the stuff.
Either way, I just tried to cook some right now. It looked like it was edible, but once I took a bite it tasted kind of like plastic. Water, noodles, boil, drain, cheese, butter, milk. In my life, it’s easier said then done.
On the bright side, I’ve got five boxes to try and get it right with.
xx
Normally the end of this sentence would contain something along the lines of “My goal is to be as insert goal here as insert name here.“ However, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the past couple of months and now things have changed.
I’ve made a lot of interesting decisions in my 21 years of life and they have had their ups and downs. I’ve mostly focused on the downs and where they’ve led me. I now know that it’s time to focus on the ups and where they will lead me.
I’ve loved every single decision that I’ve made with my life. I also have loved every single consequence they’ve brought, including the bad ones. I’ve thrived off of making decisions and learning from them. Unfortunately, I’ve had difficulty accepting that I am a pretty okay person thanks to all of this.
Up until recently I have felt as if everything I’ve done hasn’t been good enough. I’ve wanted more. So I’ve gone out and looked for things to conquer or accomplish, but always giving up half way through them out of fear.
I’ll be 22 in January and I’ve already been asked what I’m going to do with myself. Normally I would let this question haunt me in the dark depths of my already cluttered mind. But instead I decided to answer it: I’m going to grow.
It’s time for me to realize that I am okay. It’s going to be a little hard in the beginning, but it’s a challenge that I am willing to not give up on. I’m okay and it’s okay.
Winter/fall is always tough for me, even if there isn’t much of it in southern California. I’ve already gone through two colds, the flu, and whatever it is that I have right now.
My voice has been gone since Friday, I’ve had an on and off fever, all I want to do is sleep, and I’m certain that I’m going to die soon (don’t be alarmed, I’m a giant baby when sick).
I just took some NyQuil (which I’m convinced is the worst tasting thing invented), so I’m about to sleep until who knows when. I also have Mylo Xyloto on repeat so I can wake up to something nice.
This is somewhat a whiny post about being ill to you perhaps, and I apologize fir that. But to me it’s a small step to beginning to write again…regardless of how pointless it is.
Good night, xx
